Are you holding a grudge? About?
A grudge is about hurting people, that’s not my way.
Society views every painful writing as a grudge. I don’t consider that. When I write about the painful experiences in my life, I am not trying to convey that I am holding a grudge. Yet there are moments when the unanswered questions fell like abandonment. I cannot help the way I feel.
Regrets
I often times feel as though parent’s struggle so much with their past lives, from the way they were raised and how they could never use their voice.
Do you realize the harsh times our parents grew up in?
Do you realize how evolution works inside the family unit?
Do you ever feel the sins of your parents?
Have you realized how cycles and energy flows within your household?
Do you know how your parents relationship came about?
And the most important question is, do you feel the effects of the role you played in the family dynamic?
Healing from blended family dynamics
I was raised to not allow anyone to hurt me. But it happened, anyway. Yet the way it happened should not have happened to anyone. So, if you read my words and feel that I am holding a grudge, then you shouldn’t read my words.
I’m writing to express to parents that,
You should not get married because you have something to prove to others
You shouldn’t marry someone you don’t know
These reasons will hurt your children, just as leaving a bad relationship and jumping into a new relationship with someone again without healing first wouldn’t strengthen the family in the long run.
Honestly, how many of you know of this truly working out?
Closure
I’m the type of person who wants to share the good and the bad. So believe me, if your judging my words as holding a grudge you should check your compassion meter. It’s always going to be shocking and embarrassing to hear how your children really feel because you think raising children is about fancy clothes and keeping up with the rest of the Church ladies.
Raising children is about exhibiting the qualities that your teaching them to utilize, it’s not about being so shocked when they rise to the occasion and you become so jealous of them that you don’t want to be the parent anymore.
I’m by no means perfect as a parent, and I am always willing to work on my parenting skills. It’s hard because I am a mother whose own mother couldn’t love me.
Moms had it tough growing up, so she did what she knew. Becoming a wife and mother means change has to come from a place of compassion.
Father’s have it just as tough coming from households where they had to grow up fast to help provide during tough times.
Questions
I ask myself everyday this one question.
How is it that I wasn’t allowed to be apart of a congregation that my mom belonged too?
How is it that every instance that I thrived in something I was good at, I wasn’t allowed to participate anymore?
How could the Pastor stand at the pulpit and preach members personal business to the degree that everyone knows who he’s talking about?
People always seem to talk about you, holding on to stolen pictures of you, while they cannot stand to be in the same room as you, while others listen.
It’s bad enough outside the house, it shouldn’t be worse inside.
The Otherside
The outcome and goal is to let go and move on. The alternative is to end up like the rest of the family. I’m not and have never been that family member.
You see I’m that family member that when you reach out I’ll be there. I am that family member you tell everything too and then you turn on me, I still didn’t tell it.
What I am not is a person who can be deleted because no one wants you to know that they weren’t there.
Why
Why they weren’t there is because
If she’s there I’m not coming and now that dad is gone stop talking to her, she has been erased
Family members
Who says these things about a child?
People that hold grudges and will hurt anyone they can
I’m not that girl
Nyw
I’m not going to be like the people that used me up, stole everything I own and leave my children feeling alone and afraid
Nyw
Besides I was so alienated throughout my family that this is my only recourse in using my voice. So if you feel begrudgingly about my actions, don’t hesitate to scroll past me.
Yes, I have lived a beautiful and blessed life. I took care of people that spit on me because we’re family. So, instead of continuing to question and put others pain and nurturing before my own, I’m going to share words that I hope will make you think about parenting in a way that will leave your children whole and not broken after you are gone.
If I don’t, I will end up holding that grudge and hurt a new generation of children who end up incarcerated.
So allow me my small blog space to share things that will help my own children know how much I love them, here and hereafter.
All I do is for them
Nyw
